She left this morning. She unzipped my tent. Stuck her beautiful face inside to give me my phone (her alarm clock that morning), to kiss me on the cheek, and to say goodbye. "Thanks for.. everything" She said. How could I be thanked by her for everything when this girl has straight up changed life as I see it. In times she hasn't changed my life... She's amplified it. She has taken what was already so good about my life.. and added this sweet aroma of companionship and romance on top of it. She has added this strand of order and assertiveness to my spiritual perspective. She has added laughter and giddiness to an already joyful life.
The last 60 days she has been in my life. 60 days. I wanted to get out of the tent and see her out, and literally spend every last minute with her, but in this strange environment of rules and norms, that would have been impossible. We always have to worry about what people see and how we are perceived. Instead, I had to try to fall back asleep when knowing that face is still nearby, preparing to leave for a solid month.
A few hours go by.. my tent is hot.. all the voices are gone. I get out of my tent, disoriented, trying not to get hit by the reality of it all. I stumble to the bathroom to shower and shave. On my way back from shaving... Khari sees me. Perhaps she sees the look on my face as I'm just trying to operate on this God forsaken morning, but she motions me to go over there. She says "Ryan, I'm buying you a beer, which one do you want"? I literally ate nothing yet and just woke up, but I accept it. If i were to drink a beer before doing anything on any day... this is the day.
It just still doesnt make sense. None of it does. Like, my brain cannot comprehend how hard this loss is. It is so hard in so many ways. Like, it is mostly hard just because of loss of her as an every day friend. The loss of so many memories together. But, for our team it is a tragic loss. I told her that I feel like we lost our secret weapon.
God made man, and it was good. But, when He gave man a woman.. it was better. That is the hardest thing for me personally right now. I feel like I experienced the better life. The life God intends for two people when they work so well in a harmonious effort towards sharing God with others around us. By default, our relationship is not about us at all, it includes us, but it is about experiencing the things around us, and sharing the same burdens. It is us stepping into something bigger than ourselves on a daily basis. That was us functioning together... when it didn't have to be all about us and our worries as to how we were perceived or seen.
9 months sounds so intense. How am I even going to do this? How am I going to experience the bulk of Africa, SE Asia, and South America without her? How will I handle myself when I do see her at the end of each month and not just steal her away?
This is hardest thing I've experienced in 3 years.
Also, There is no going back from her.